When I No Longer Feel

There are times when the outside world gets to me and I can no longer handle it.  The stress builds and builds until the wall around my heart starts to grow, brick by brick, stone by stone.  The worry of being able to pay bills, of having a place to live and not be afraid of losing everything else I have left in this life, gets too much.  I stop feeling. 

I push everyone and anyone away.  I don’t want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me.  I just want to fade away out of the line of sight of everyone and everything.  I go back to when I didn’t let anyone inside.  These feelings like this are not new.  They have been around since my daughter was very little.  I’ve often wondered if I ever pushed her away.  I’ve talked to her about it and she said no momma, you have always let me in. 

The funny thing is this… I don’t know how I use to make it go away before I was married.  Now, my husband is my cure.  He seems to know when to pull me close, when to reach out and just touch my face softly with his fingertips. Sometimes it’s as simple as, “I love you darlin’” and the look in his eyes tells me it is the truth.  I have never felt the way I do when he holds me close, his fingers strumming along my body; His lips slowly caressing my neck or my ears.  I feel so loved and I feel so deeply that I cry during our lovemaking.  I don’t know if other women ever experience feelings that deep or not.    He no longer asks why I cry, when I do.  I love him totally and utterly without holding back.  I’ve never loved anyone like that of the opposite sex.  He is truly my soul mate.  I think if I had not found him when I did, when God sent him to me, I would be in a very lonely world, or maybe not even in this world any longer.  I’m not sure. 

I know this, that no matter what our families say, we were destined for each other from the beginning of time.  Not that I would want to change what we have lived through or received from our lives like our children, but sometimes, I wish that I had met him when I was 16, 18, or 20.  I wish we could have had more in our lives, and even children together.  Again, there is no regret only trust and a love that I think God for every day of my life since I met him, received the first email, or had the first conversation.  It’s kind of like the song, “You had me from Hello.”

My Writings

For the last few days I've been writing articles or thoughts or something anyway and I'm just putting them in a folder.  Some will hurt people, some will make people wonder, and some might make people go away.  I'm not sure.  I'm not sleeping so good these days, too many worries, and yes before you ask, I've handed them to God several times.  It's just that the world keeps putting them back on top instead of at the bottom of the cross.  Oh! Wait!  I guess that is me and not the world, but the world does cause me to pick them back up.  My faith is strong but not strong enough.  So I write and write.  Hoping that one of these days I will get it all out and down on paper and the world will look better from the ink drippings on my page. 

Some times each dot of ink is almost like a tear falling softly down.  Some times it is a raindrop, huge and with force blowing against the pane of my heart.  Some times the dot of ink is the thunder and lightening and I'm enjoying it as it splashes across the page.  My writings allow me to feel and I don't always feel which is one of the things I wrote about today, this morning.  It is easy for me to throw up a wall and block people out of my life, some times forcing those I love to stand back for awhile until I'm ready to feel again.  I'm not sure if that makes me heartless or not.  Some times, I don't feel like I have a heart or that I am truly capable of real feelings.  I some times don't know who I really am deep down.  Who am I as a person?  What am I as a person?  Maybe one day I will discover that and maybe then I can share it with everyone.


L

A Personal Mission Statement

Well I just finished up my second full week of school and I love it!  I'm thinking seriously about going full time or at least 3/4 time after this semester.  One of my classes for the first 7.5 weeks is called FYE or First Year Experience.  It is a great class and the lectures are awesome.  One of the topics this week was writing a personal mission statement.  There were two videos that we could watch.  One was just a random one of young girl writing her personal statement.  The other was the scene from Jerry Maquire where he writes a 25 page personal mission statement.  After reading the text and watching one of the videos, and i didn't watch Tom Cruise, I started thinking about my personal mission statement. 

Writing a personal mission statement is actually a daily tool to be used to keep you focused and on tract to obtain your short and long term goals, as well as keeping what is important in your life, and knowing who and what you want to be.  Using past life experiences and what you see yourself doing in the future are part of writing a mission statement.  So after all week long thinking about what was important, the reason I was doing what I was doing, and who I want to be and where I want to be in the next 1 to 4 years, I wrote a first draft of my personal mission statement.  It is in no way finished or close to where I want it to be, but it did get some of the preliminary things on paper. 

I have been a dreamer all my life, and I guess that is why I like to write.  Writing and dreaming gives me the opportunity to be someone I'm not.  Some of my goals have changed over the years but one thing that has never changed is my goal to be a published writer.  Some of you might wonder than why I'm not going after a degree in journalism or media.  Well writers don't really make that much money to start out with, especially if you don't make it on the best sellers list.  I have to be practical and I can still be a dreamer.  The practical side of me knows that I need to work for us to be able to survive, unless of course we win the lottery.  The dreamer side of me can still strive to be that published writer. 

As a person, I want to be someone that people trust, that is honest, that cares and that wants to help people, but also have family and friends in their life.  My husband and my child are the utmost of importance to me.  God is first in my life, but they come in second, then family, then work.  These are all things we need to consider.  I guess the bottom line here is this, writing this personal mission statement will help me to define short term, long term goals, and the map on how to achieve those. 

What are your long term and short term goals?  ARe you only living day to day with no thought of where you want to be in one, two or four years from now?  I'm 48 years old about to be 49, this has become majorily important to me, to achieve, accomplish and complete this before I'm too old to reap the benefits.

Have a blessed day!

Progress in Life

School started on March 2nd, and to say I was a little fearful would be right on the money.  However, I am on the third week of school and am much calmer and not fearful any longer.  I'm ahead in my math course by two chapters and plan to be finished with the next two by the end of this week.  Now when things are going good, the devil likes to make life interesting.  So last Thursday after suffering with a toothache for three days I went to the dentist.  They cut the tooth out on Monday and I was not able to do any school work.  I became very anxious, but I had planned ahead and had already printed off my lectures and assignments for the week.  So on Tuesday morning and off and on all day, I worked on school work for my FYE class.  First Year Experience in case you wondered.  So because of the tooth extraction, I missed work on Tuesday as well and was a little worried, but God always provides and the devil will run when you evoke Jesus name.  It turns out that I will be working everyday next week because Chio, the regular custodian, has had a death in the family.  My prayers go out to him and his family. 

I guess what I'm getting at is that it is turning out to be a positive experience, and I think I'm going to try to bump up my classes.  I know that this is the right thing to do because God is making it happen one step at a time.  So if you are thinking about going back to school and how you are going to manage, God will provide the way and make sure you have what you need.  Your faith in God will see you through.  May you all have a blessed Day!

Love,
L

Just Some General Things and Updates

Okay so its Friday and it has been a very busy week, so I'm glad the work week is over.  Norman has two jobs going right now so he has been busy as well.  This is the first week in a while that he has actually worked five days in a row.  Both of us are still fighting allergies or something so that one or both of us has sinus issues everyday. 

School starts on Wednesday, March 2nd, at noon EST.  I have to keep reminding myself that school is on EST and not CST for the purposes of completing assignments and turning in work.  I'm excited and scared.  Now I just want to get started and to see if I can actually handle school.  We have to get a new computer.  Mine, that is now Norman's is not going to cut it for the 2nd half of the first semester, but they said it would get me through the first half (7.5 weeks).  So we are starting to look.  The best we have found so far is about $550.00 not counting shipping.  So I'm hoping that between the two jobs, we will be able to purchase me a new computer and take the other desktop in and have to cleaned up.  He got a virus, and although we have cleaned it, we are not sure all is working properly.

We have cancelled Renewing our vows until later in the year.  We can't afford to do the ceremony the way I want to do it, and buy the computer.  That's okay too!  I know God is working tremendously in our lives right now and we are slowly seeing some light at the end of the tunnel... (and it's not a train). 

I guess that catches us up to where our lives are currently heading.  I know that this is what is suppose to happen with school and all because a very close friend of the family told me that if it was meant to be, God would make sure it all happened, or there would be obstacles to big to overcome.  She was right!  God bless you Ashley Lenore! 

May you all have a God Filled and Blessed day! 
L

How Do You Measure Your Happiness?

This has been on my mine a lot lately.  How do you measure your happiness?  Do you measure it by the material things you have?  By the amount of money you have in the bank?  Or do you measure it by the number of friends you have? 

Do you truly know if you are happy?  If you are happy, what is it that makes you happy?  Is it knowing that you are safe and secure?  Is it knowing that no matter what your spouse will love you?  When was the last time you were truly happy and laughed all the time or had a smile on your face all the time? 

I would love to see your answers or your thoughts on the subject.  I will answer those questions myself in a blog to come.  As I said, I have been contemplating these questions myself lately. 

Later,
Love, L

My Thoughts after Christmas!

A Family Christmas

We had a wonderful couple of days of Christmas celebrating.  We spent Christmas Eve in Denton with my mom and it was perfect!  There was about 21 of us.  We had a good time, and even though it was raining and cold, we stayed dry and warm.  There was lots of love in the room.  (Found out today that there will be a new baby in this family next year)


We spent Christmas day at my mother in laws and a good time was had by all I think.  I think the final count was some where around 54 1/3 (there should be a new baby in this family next Christmas, too), but not everyone was there. 


There was plenty of food at both places and life was good.  We were the first ones to my mother in laws, and the second or third to arrive at my mom's.  My niece Misty, was there for the day from the halfway house where she is finishing up her rehab.  I am so very proud of her.  She is turning her life around and is serious about not messing up.  I love her a bunch. 

Thoughts of the Future

Norman and I have been praying about what direction God wants us to go and what we need to do.  We have talked of moving to Gunter, TX and living and working on the ranch there with my family, sisters and mom to be specific.  We are still waiting for confirmation of that, and as I've been praying today and reading different things that have come by way of email and blogs that I follow, I'm not sure that is going to be right for us.  Although it would help in lots of ways, just not feeling a 100% about it.  I know that all will be revealed when the time comes. 


What else does the future hold?  No one really knows.  We are not promised our next breath, so how can we really know what God has in store.  We know only that He will never forsake us and that He is always with us, even when we are places that we shouldn't be. But that is a post for my other blog.  


My dreams of dogs and being a published writer, well I don't know if this is the year or not.  Have I given up on those dreams, definitely not, but just waiting for the right sign that I need to pursue one or the other or both.  My teaching degree?  Well I'm still working on that as well. 


Is there anything that I know for sure will happen this next year, yes, I will continue to strive to be the best Christian I can be, finish my recovery steps, study, go to school, and do my best as a mother and a wife.  Is there anything else I want to happen?  Well yes, I would like to find a better place to live, but if it takes a while, I will survive. 


May you all have a great week!  God Bless!

A Driving Need

I am looking forward to the things that are in store for us next year.  I'm looking forward to a house in a new town, making new friends, and just living our life together.  I'm looking forward to having grandchildren.  I'm looking forward to having beagles again.  However, with everything I'm looking forward to I have a driving need to complete unfinished things and get rid of it before we move. 

What things you might ask?  Well I have at least 5 story lines at different levels that I want to finish.  I have three books, a short story, and a collection of thoughts that I would like to see get typed and finished and hopefully published.  I have several craft things that I would like to get finished and put away and in some cases give away to friends. 

I am also taking intro to algebra which I would like to get finished in January and I want to start pre-calculus and get it finished in no more than three months.  If I am able to get that accomplished, then I can enroll in school and start getting my teaching degree. 

It sounds like a lot, but I do know that I can get this accomplished.  I just have to stay focused and rely on God to give me the energy and strength to get this all done.  I like having things completed and put away.  I like it when we are able to close a chapter, and start a new one and that is what I feel like we are doing.  Closing the old chapter.  Starting the new chapter.  I know it will be difficult for us, but those that are close to us are already talking about coming to visit.  We will have room for a guest or two in the new house.  Everyone will be welcome that wants to come visit.  We will still make the trips for family reunions and Christmas Day with his family.  The rest of the year will be in God's hands and so will our lives. 

God Bless you all!  Love, L

A Couple of Thoughts I wanted to Share

First Thought

My Mom was down here this last week and I got to visit and have coffee with her.  I really miss that!  Hopefully in the next year I will be where I can do that on a regular basis.  My Mom, Julia or Jude, as she has been known most of her life, stayed with my daughter Caity.  That is my daughter's nickname.  Her full name is Lauren Brianna Caitlyn Shipley Woods.  She will get upset when she reads this because if i call her Caitlyn, she will tell me that is not her name, but it is because that is what I had put on her birth certificate. 


Okay so I went off on a tangent, but I'm back.  Anyway, we are going to Denton on Christmas Eve to be with my family.  We drew names this year between the adults except for my mom.  That way, we buy for one person, plus our kids, and then of course my mom.  I wasn't sure I like the idea at first, but it works good and thank God because we cannot afford to buy gifts for everyone nor do I have time to make gifts for everyone, although I am trying, and I don't have to feel guilty for not being able to get family gifts. 

I'm have been married for almost five years and I'm not sure what the Christmas present program is at my in laws.  We have been trying to buy for my Mother in law and Step Father in law, and then we were buying for his siblings, and his kids.  That was not possible last year, nor will it be this year.  Parents are bought for no matter what because without them, there would be no us.  So I am trying to decide what to get our parents.  I have a few thought, but have not fully decided.   I still have a couple of weeks, right????

Second Thought

My favorite things in life are animals, writing, and teaching.  My goal for this coming year is to do all of that and I think it is definitely foreseeable.  My sister, Ann or Julia, or I use to call her Sissy, but she made me stop after I started to school, is about to see her dream come true.  You can read about it at http://www.rememberwhenranch.com/.  She has a place for Norman and I if we want it.  I do without a doubt.  We will have a house of our own, and work if we want it.  I know this is a good step for us.  We will have to move to Gunter, Texas, but I will be close to my Mom, and a lot closer to my daughter and son in law who are moving to Keller or that general area.   Although my husband has said he will move, I feel like he is holding back.  We love each other and I just want us to be happy, not stressed over money or work.  He can work on the ranch there or he can continue to do siding if he wants.  But it would be a place where we don't have to worry about paying rent, or utilities or buying groceries or having gas money.  I have been praying for God to show us the direction we need to go, and I think this is it.  Now I need to pray that He will show my husband as well.  God Bless you all

Priorities In Life

Okay after a long talk with God this morning, I've realized that I need to get my priorities straight.  Playing games on Face book, playing solitaire, or doing things that are not productive should not be on that list.  So after a lot of thinking and realizing that money for the next two weeks is going to be very, very tight, I've decided to re-organize things and get a plan together and in place.  Of course, I need God to be at the top of that list, and He is. 

So here are the things I'm trying to accomplish with God at the helm over the next six to seven months.

1.  A closer walk with Jesus and He being first in my life.
2.  An income from my freelance writing and my website to sustain us when Norman doesn't have any work.
3.  To start school.  I had some very unrealistic goals this last week concerning this, so if i don't get enrolled to start by January one, then I'm not going to freak out.
4.  A place to live where, the electricity bill and utilities are not more than the rent.  A place to live where we are not overrun by critters so to speak.  A place to live where the floors don't give when you walk.  A place to live that I can invite my family to spend the night.  A place to live where if I decide to keep kids or provide childcare, I have room.
5.  To plan and pay for our vow renewal ceremony, just the way we want it.

These are currently my priorities.  I have other priorities but these take precedence currently.  Number one will always be a priority no matter what else I have completed or accomplished.  God, husband, work, family, and friends.  Those are the way it is for now. 

May you truly have a blessed and God Filled Day.  love, L

My laptop is repaired!!!!!!!

Okay I know it is lame but we have been sharing  a computer for probably almost a month, which is not a big deal when we are both working.  But if he doesn't have any work then he is here at home when I get home from work and alas we both can't get on the computer at the same time.  So he took the computers to see if they could be repaired.  Thanks Honey!  I love you with all my heart!  (My laptop was fixable)

Anyway, his desktop computer is dead.  He's genealogy database was on it so now it is time to rebuild the data base and this time back it up to a disk.  I'm writing again since I'm not working at the school any longer and so far so good.  I should be able to make at least 125 a week, once I get into the swing of things.  I made about 32 in four hours last week.  Not bad, but definitely not going to pay the bills.

Anyway, God is taking care of things and we will be fine.  We drove by a house, but it just didn't feel completely right.  Not ruling it out, but not going to go jump on it. 

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great day!  May God Bless Your Socks off!  as my friend says. 

Love, L.

To My Daughter

When I asked God 24 years and 14 months ago (you were baking for 9 of those, more like 10) for someone to love me unconditionally, I had no idea that He would bless me with someone like you.  You have taught me to be patient, understanding, and gentle.  You have taught me that no matter what we are always there for each other. 

I love the person you have become.  You are beautiful, intelligent, giving, caring and thoughtful.  You are a daughter, a wife, a granddaughter, a sister and one day soon you too, will be a mother.  I hope for you a daughter just like I received from God.  I love that you walk with God, and that your faith is strong.  I love that you have that joy in your heart that only God can place there. 

Over the years we have played, laughed and probably done some things we shouldn't.  I've enjoyed every minute of every day that we have spent together.  Even though there were times when we were angry, we never left one another.  I know it was probably tough on you growing up with out a dad around all the time, but you had something better.  You had a grandfather that loved you as if you were his.  He was so happy the day I told him and Nanny that I was going to have a baby.  He was all smiles.

I know that I have made mistakes while you were growing up, but we learned together and I want so much for you.  I want you to dream big dreams, laugh as much as possible, love with all your heart and know that above everything else, you were a gift from God. 

Cherish every day as if it were you last.  Never forget to tell people you love them, and never let angry words hurt those you love.  You are and will always be, my baby girl.  Love, Mom.

A Picture is Worth

We have all heard the saying many times that a picture is worth a thousand words, but what about the tone in someone's words.  The tongue it is said is as sharp as a two-edged sword, and I've been told on more than one occassion that I was mean, abrupt and bitter, and it doesn't matter if a person is smiling when they say those things, it still hurts.

Sarcasm is a great defensive mechanism and I used to use it all the time.  The other day some one said, "Who only own the words you speak.  You cannot control the way someone interprets them or takes them."  This is only too true.  In the long run, though, does it really matter.  If you say something totally unintentionally and someone is offended, is it your responsibility to apologize to them?  What if you don't know that you have offend them or hurt their feelings?  All you know is that now they are cold and distant. 

I posted a new profile picture of myself on Facebook.  It is very difficult to smile and take your own picture.  Someone said, "Great pic."  "Next time smile."  Funny thing is, I was smiling.  It wasn't a broad grin it was just a slight uplift at the corners of my mouth.  In the picture I look like I'm 100 years old or so it seems.  Situations in life do take their toll on you and I've been through some difficult things in the last two or three years, and stress has definitely help to age me.  I don't feel as old as I look in the photo, and the saying goes you are only as old as you feel right?

Here's a word of wisdom by the way, just because someone isn't smiling all the time, doesn't mean that they are angry or upset or unhappy.  They might just be in deep thought or facing a difficult decision.  So don't look at them and say smile.  Just smile at them and acknowledge them.  Chances are that they will smile back.
May you be filled with the loving spirit of God!  He is awesome.... Thank you Lord Jesus for everything you do in my life. 

Okay, here's the picture I posted on Facebook...  Actually I share the one I didn't post and the one I posted.

Not posted....  

One on the right, posted...

My blogs

This notice is to let everyone know that I'm removing automatic emails from my blogging list.  If you want to continue to read it, you will need to sign up to follow the blog.  This is not to hurt anyone's feelings or because I'm mad at anyone.  I'm trying to be honest about my life, my recovery, and the way I feel about things and I think this is best so that no one is offended by what I might say.  (This maybe defeating the recovery program!)  Writing lets me get my emotions out and if I'm going to deal with my past and get past the hurts, and my addictions, then I need to write. 

May you be blessed by God abundantly... 

Notice to my post on Addiction & Recovery

For those of you who read my blog last time, you know that I have started attend Recovery.  It is a very Christian based program and also addresses the 12steps that you have heard about.  Since it is so intertwined with God, I'm going to do my writing about it and my journey on my other blog, http://livingbythewordofgod.blogspot.com.  Please come read and follow my journey as my life is transformed by the only one who can do it, GOD, Jesus Christ, My/Our Saviour. 

May you all have a God Filled Day!  Love, L

The Last Three Weeks

I guess I'm writing today, just to catch everyone up on us. I worked at the church all week last week and put in 36 hours. Whew Hoo! Good paycheck coming. Norman and the guys are working in Cedar Hill on a nice size job and that is good. We got the medical release from the Texas Department of Public Safety and he gets to keep his driver's license. Yeah Buddy!

I'm updating my resume, signed up for a online job opportunity, but still looking for something that will help us to make more ends meet! Haha! We've been living in this trailer for almost a year now, sad thing is based on the shape the trailer is in, we won't renew our lease so I'm off looking for a place to move. I want to find some place permanent. I'm not sure that is possible based on income at this point, but we are praying. (SO if I pray for a place rent free for one year, do you think God will answer????) I haven't had time to write or do a lot of work on my websites. I know that I can make some money from them, just need to get more hours in the day. We had a wonderful Easter service at our church. The church had a marketplace set up and we dressed as characters starting on Palm Sunday.That is the picture at the top. My husband is standing beside the Roman Soldier. May God Bless you all!..

Just Life

Okay, I turned 48 on Monday and today, we are celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary. Life is good. We have a good church home, a place to live, food to eat, and currently we have work. Life is good, but God is Great!

I've had a sinus infection and ear infection since Saturday, and I'm finally feeling better. God is Awesome! My husband and I are planning on singing at church. We've picked out 4 songs and have been listening to all of them. The members at church, (by the way we go to Emory Baptist Church www.emorybaptist.org ) have been trying to get my husband, Norman, to join the choir. He does have a wonderful voice and sings harmony quite well. I'm still a little frightened about singing, but only because without someone to sing along with me, I can't keep the tune, unless it is in a bucket.

We will probably be moving in the next couple of months. We are praying that God will allow us to move back to my house in the orchard. I just want things to be simple again. I think they are on the way, and I'm praying that God will continue to show us signs that we are headed the right way.

Be Blessed! God is Awesome!

Love to all,
L

25 Random Things You Might Not Know

Okay I have a friend who is having issues with her creative juices today and she did a random post of 25 things and wanted it to continue... So here are mine..

1. At my highest weight, I weigh 322 pounds.

2. I am a clean drug addict...

3. I am trying to quit drinking.

4. I had a child out of wedlock

5. I'm tired of worrying what other people think

6. I like romance novels

7. I love vampires

8. I don't like Barney or Sponge Bob and I don't have kids little enough to watch them, but my grown kids watch cartoons. (I don't think they watch Barney)

9. I pray for my daughter and son to have a baby

10. I met my husband on match.com

11. I have two tattoos and I'm not ashamed of them, and want to add to one I already have.

12. I accepted Christ at the age of 12.

13. I've walked away several times from church

14. I want to live some place warm

15. I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and lately it is causing me to have Anxiety attacks.

16. I want a berm house with a deck and grill patio/swimming pool on the topside.

17. I want to have more dogs

18. I always want my husband to be in love with me, and me with him.

19. I have anger issues with slow people. (Not mentally slow)

20. I started a new internet business and pray for success. As part of that, I'm making home made dog treats, all natural and selling them locally.

21. I've had 9 surgeries since I was 7 or 8, and plan one more before all is said and done.

22. I want to be more spiritually than I am, but don't think I'll ever get there.

23. God loves me and I love him, and nothing else should matter. Right?

24. Debt is eating us alive.

25. I want to swim with sharks off the great barrier reef.

Okay not sure that is what she intended, but there are my 25 random facts. If you have a blog, list your 25 random facts and let me know so I can go read.

If you find my mind

Could you send it back? I seem to have lost it somewhere along the way today or maybe it was yesterday. I've called it and called it and it refuses to come home. Its not a bad mind, but it has been having some wild and crazy thoughts lately.

If it will come home and try to be sane, I promise not to make it work too hard or think too much.. Or at least I will try. It constantly runs it seems... It no longer walks, or sleeps or anything, but run rampant.

But I do need it back, so if you see it, please send it home.

Funny How Things Look in Hindsight

It just seemed that all of 2009 was such a struggle and 2010 is off to a rough start. After I quit my profession of 24 years, I assumed (everyone knows what that means) that I would have no problems making money at home. My pride, would not let me think otherwise. (Pride goeth before the fall). I tried many things and finally accepted failure. I took a job at a local furniture store, making $500 every two weeks, and was angry because I had felt that society, family and friends had let me down. No one was at fault; it was my assumption that was the problem, that and my pride. I was afraid to ask anyone for help. I didn't want anyone to know that there was something I couldn't do. Of course, it didn't help that we couldn't afford to live in my house any longer either. We finally moved in with my daughter after I gave my dogs to new owners. This by far has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I turned back to payer and to God, finally, devastated, frustrated, and miserable, lost and confused. Things became worse before they got better. In May of 2009, my husband blacked out behind the wheel. He is doing fine, but to this day we still don't know why or what happened. But God has brought us through that. I continually pray for guidance. I've been told that the bible says we just have to claim our promises, desires and needs, and God will deliver. I've kept a prayer journal off and on since November of 2008. In January of 2009, I had symptoms of a heart attack and because I felt like I had failed my husband, I went to the emergency room and didn't want my husband called. I had the retarded thought that he didn't really love me and that he didn't care. I was wrong, very wrong. We are each others soul mate. We didn't marry each other for one to take care of the other. We married each other because we fell in love. I prayed to God to help our marriage and to help my husband's faith to be stronger as well as mine. It seems that the more I prayed the more difficult things became, and still are at times. It is said that there isn't anything that God brings you to, that He doesn't bring you through. We have to trust and believe that God will take care of all our needs and see us through. Things for 2010 are going to be better. This year our lives will get back to some semblance of normal. I still plan to make a living with my computer. I want my house back and I've prayed for over a year. Today I received a call from someone offering to help. Of course, it comes at a cost, but I know God will take care of that if it is meant to be. We have a new church home and I'm learning to stop and pray when there are issues. I still get tired of waiting and I'm really ready for the trials and tribulations to go away. God will get us through this year. My husband and I know this and we know that we have each other no matter what and that God is always with us. May God Bless you all. L