Funny How Things Look in Hindsight

It just seemed that all of 2009 was such a struggle and 2010 is off to a rough start. After I quit my profession of 24 years, I assumed (everyone knows what that means) that I would have no problems making money at home. My pride, would not let me think otherwise. (Pride goeth before the fall). I tried many things and finally accepted failure. I took a job at a local furniture store, making $500 every two weeks, and was angry because I had felt that society, family and friends had let me down. No one was at fault; it was my assumption that was the problem, that and my pride. I was afraid to ask anyone for help. I didn't want anyone to know that there was something I couldn't do. Of course, it didn't help that we couldn't afford to live in my house any longer either. We finally moved in with my daughter after I gave my dogs to new owners. This by far has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I turned back to payer and to God, finally, devastated, frustrated, and miserable, lost and confused. Things became worse before they got better. In May of 2009, my husband blacked out behind the wheel. He is doing fine, but to this day we still don't know why or what happened. But God has brought us through that. I continually pray for guidance. I've been told that the bible says we just have to claim our promises, desires and needs, and God will deliver. I've kept a prayer journal off and on since November of 2008. In January of 2009, I had symptoms of a heart attack and because I felt like I had failed my husband, I went to the emergency room and didn't want my husband called. I had the retarded thought that he didn't really love me and that he didn't care. I was wrong, very wrong. We are each others soul mate. We didn't marry each other for one to take care of the other. We married each other because we fell in love. I prayed to God to help our marriage and to help my husband's faith to be stronger as well as mine. It seems that the more I prayed the more difficult things became, and still are at times. It is said that there isn't anything that God brings you to, that He doesn't bring you through. We have to trust and believe that God will take care of all our needs and see us through. Things for 2010 are going to be better. This year our lives will get back to some semblance of normal. I still plan to make a living with my computer. I want my house back and I've prayed for over a year. Today I received a call from someone offering to help. Of course, it comes at a cost, but I know God will take care of that if it is meant to be. We have a new church home and I'm learning to stop and pray when there are issues. I still get tired of waiting and I'm really ready for the trials and tribulations to go away. God will get us through this year. My husband and I know this and we know that we have each other no matter what and that God is always with us. May God Bless you all. L

Fear and Anger - My constant battle

I made a new discovery this week and I know that only God can help me with my issue. The two emotions fear and angry, plague me on a regular basis. Some of it I'm sure is because of hormonal imbalances in my body, but for the most part, it is just an issue. Fear not so much as anger, but I do find myself in a place I don't like to be. Let me start with my anger issue. It revolves around a person. I've tried to step back out from my hard feelings and re-analyze the issues that I have with this person. I've stopped making remarks because all it does is make me the bad person. If this person comes up in polite conversation between me and other friends, I just nod affirmatively or say "yes." It doesn't however, stop the feeling of angry that rises in me. I've prayed for understanding, wisdom and knowledge on how to help this person, deal with this person and do whatever it is that God needs me to do for this person. I felt God telling me to do something at one point. I did what was asked of me, but it didn't seem to help and I felt I received the brush off from this person. SO I guess all in all I'm just asking for prayer to help me with my anger. I'm not sure that there is a cure for a relationship with this person, I've not given up, but I don't know that things will ever be good, maybe tolerable at best.

Now to my second emotional issue, Fear. I know that fear is caused by Satan, and with fear comes worry. I feel that I have more than hit bottom with this one. It doesn't seem to matter how much support or encouragement I receive, I can't get rid of it. I've bond Satan and prayed in Jesus name for Satan to be banished from my house, my life, and my family. Maybe I'm not doing it right. With this fear comes my ability to strike out and hurt the people I love the most. My husband usually catches most of it, and part of the fear I have is because of his recent accident and the results we have received so far. I don't mean to do that, and once it happens, then I'm even more emotional because of what I have said or done or both. I need God's help. I've asked for it the only way I know how, in prayer, at the bottom of my emotional pit. The pit of fear is very deep. The dirt has not started to fall in on top of me yet, but I feel it is close. I know that Jesus will not let me slip away into nothingness because He is always here and He loves me. Please pray. May God Bless everyone and especially those that read this entry. Help me to overcome. L