Separating Your Feelings

There are times lately that I have a hard time separating out my feelings.  I pretty sure most of it is because I am going to recovery meetings and it takes you through a lot of self-examination.  During the day, my mood fluctuates so much that I can cry one minute and laugh myself to tears the next.  Are my hormones screwed up?  Probably.  I've needed to go to the doctor for hormonal issues for more than a year.  No health insurance and lack of income stop me from going. 

Some days I feel I have given up a lot in the last few years and I am resentful that I've had to do that, not because I was asked to give them up, but because I had to make some very difficult decisions.  Do I ever wish I could turn back time?  Several hundred times a week.  Would it make a difference?  Probably not. 

But I do have some regrets that have caused a lot of guilt feelings.  The guilt won't seem to go away, and I hope as I travel through on the road to recovery, that they will.  I lean more on God every day.  I find myself praying and don't even realize that I am doing it.  I find myself singing a song in my head from church service on Sunday morning, or from one I've been listening too on the radio at the house.  It's not a bad thing, because it keeps me from reliving things from my past.  It keeps anger at bay.  And I feel closer to God and eventually kind of calm inside. 

The dreams that are happening, I'm sure stem from recovery and having to analyze things from my past.  One or two things that keep coming back to surface is the question about being selfish.  I've never thought of myself as being selfish, maybe I am and just don't see.  I'm sure I could pose the question to family and friends and they would be more than happy to answer.  Oh but am I ready for that part of recovery?  I'm not even sure I'm ready for recovery. 

Okay and just as a reminder, recovery is not just for drug addicts or alcoholics.  It is for people who have been hurt in their past from many different things or maybe because they have other addictions that could eventually harm them or ruin their lives.  So before you look down your nose at someone because they are attending recovery meetings, examine your own past.  Maybe you need to go too!

My blogs

This notice is to let everyone know that I'm removing automatic emails from my blogging list.  If you want to continue to read it, you will need to sign up to follow the blog.  This is not to hurt anyone's feelings or because I'm mad at anyone.  I'm trying to be honest about my life, my recovery, and the way I feel about things and I think this is best so that no one is offended by what I might say.  (This maybe defeating the recovery program!)  Writing lets me get my emotions out and if I'm going to deal with my past and get past the hurts, and my addictions, then I need to write. 

May you be blessed by God abundantly... 

Notice to my post on Addiction & Recovery

For those of you who read my blog last time, you know that I have started attend Recovery.  It is a very Christian based program and also addresses the 12steps that you have heard about.  Since it is so intertwined with God, I'm going to do my writing about it and my journey on my other blog, http://livingbythewordofgod.blogspot.com.  Please come read and follow my journey as my life is transformed by the only one who can do it, GOD, Jesus Christ, My/Our Saviour. 

May you all have a God Filled Day!  Love, L

Addiction and Recovery

When you speak of addiction, the first thing that usually comes to a person's mind is drugs and alcohol.  Gambling and Sex would probably be the next two things that a person thinks about.  However you can be an addict to many things in man's world.  There are places where you can go for treatment for addictions of every kind.  There are therapists of all kinds to help with all kinds of addiction.  A lot of those treatment facilities offer help and step by step programs.  But after you complete treatment, you are turned a loose back into society to just start your life again.  A lot of treatment programs treat the addiction but not what caused you to turn to your addiction to start with.  That where a good recovery program comes into play.  I haven't done drugs in about 22 years.  My last drink of alcohol was in December of 2009.  I struggle every day with wanting a drink and recently even though it has been a long time, I've had to struggle with the desire for the rush from using.  I use a highlighter in my bible readings and the refills come in this little plastic tube.  Most people wouldn't think a thing about the tube.  I emptied and thought that would work perfectly as a straw for snorting speed.  Go figure.  I would never go back to using drugs, but the desire is sometimes so strong I can't stand it.  So you might ask, what caused me to turn to drugs and alcohol?  I'm not really sure.  Some times I think it is because I have struggled all my life with a weight issue and even today, after surgery, I still struggle because I think I should be a lot smaller.  I'm a middle child, not the oldest and not the baby.  I was sexually abuse by someone I trust when I was 14.  I have always felt like I must compete and be the best no matter what.  So hence I have obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD as it is called.  These are just a few things that I think might have or could be a factor, but I've started attending a recovery group.  It is at my church and they use God in their recovery, not man, but God.  No one stares at you, you are accepted at face value.  There are no expectations, you are free to come and go as you please.  I'm excited to be a part of the group.  I'm looking forward to the next meeting.  There was a question  in the last meeting about when do you forget the hurt?  The answer was that only God forgives and forgets.  Men can forgive, but you don't forget, you heal.  The hurt is there to remind you not to turn back.