Life In A Bottle

The economy is effecting everyone in all walks of life.  No one is immune. Even if you think you are not affected, you are because if you are buying groceries, gas, or paying bills, you are affected.  People are losing homes, cars, and their sanity because of the economy.  This week I have felt like I'm walking around in a bottle with no air and no opening to come out from under the weight of the economy. 

My husband is a general contractor and we are going on a month with no new jobs, no phone calls to amount to anything and estimates that no one can make a decision on.  I work part-time at our church as custodian.  I have been job searching for the last two to three weeks, applying for job after job after job.  My husband has been a general contractor for about 20 years and so being an "employee" is not a word that has been in my husband's vocabulary in a long time, but that is going to have to change. 

Life sometimes hands you circumstances and it seems that no matter how hard you try to work or fix the issue, there is no answer.  That is the way our life is at this moment.  I'm not sure what the future holds for us at this moment.  I'm not even sure if we will have a place to live or a car to drive in another week.  I do know this and that is God will see us through this and more.

We have not given up on looking for jobs.  I think I may even have one, but by the time I receive a paycheck this are going to be pass the serious and arriving at the edge of "where do we go".  I know that probably makes no sense, but stress levels in our house are as high as the Mississippi river in some areas along it's banks right now.  I've had several anxiety attacks in the last two weeks, bad enough that I thought I was having a heart attack.  Pain so severe that my only thought was I won't see my husband's face before I die and I don't know if I said I love you or not today. 

I need someone to take the cap off of this bottle and let in a breath of  fresh air.  We are doing the best we can, and we are praying daily for God's intervention.  I guess the reason I'm writing this, is to say to others who are facing the effects of the economy, don't give up.  Have faith and take it all to God.  I know He is the only way we are going to survive this.  God Bless!

Love L

When I No Longer Feel

There are times when the outside world gets to me and I can no longer handle it.  The stress builds and builds until the wall around my heart starts to grow, brick by brick, stone by stone.  The worry of being able to pay bills, of having a place to live and not be afraid of losing everything else I have left in this life, gets too much.  I stop feeling. 

I push everyone and anyone away.  I don’t want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me.  I just want to fade away out of the line of sight of everyone and everything.  I go back to when I didn’t let anyone inside.  These feelings like this are not new.  They have been around since my daughter was very little.  I’ve often wondered if I ever pushed her away.  I’ve talked to her about it and she said no momma, you have always let me in. 

The funny thing is this… I don’t know how I use to make it go away before I was married.  Now, my husband is my cure.  He seems to know when to pull me close, when to reach out and just touch my face softly with his fingertips. Sometimes it’s as simple as, “I love you darlin’” and the look in his eyes tells me it is the truth.  I have never felt the way I do when he holds me close, his fingers strumming along my body; His lips slowly caressing my neck or my ears.  I feel so loved and I feel so deeply that I cry during our lovemaking.  I don’t know if other women ever experience feelings that deep or not.    He no longer asks why I cry, when I do.  I love him totally and utterly without holding back.  I’ve never loved anyone like that of the opposite sex.  He is truly my soul mate.  I think if I had not found him when I did, when God sent him to me, I would be in a very lonely world, or maybe not even in this world any longer.  I’m not sure. 

I know this, that no matter what our families say, we were destined for each other from the beginning of time.  Not that I would want to change what we have lived through or received from our lives like our children, but sometimes, I wish that I had met him when I was 16, 18, or 20.  I wish we could have had more in our lives, and even children together.  Again, there is no regret only trust and a love that I think God for every day of my life since I met him, received the first email, or had the first conversation.  It’s kind of like the song, “You had me from Hello.”