When I No Longer Feel

There are times when the outside world gets to me and I can no longer handle it.  The stress builds and builds until the wall around my heart starts to grow, brick by brick, stone by stone.  The worry of being able to pay bills, of having a place to live and not be afraid of losing everything else I have left in this life, gets too much.  I stop feeling. 

I push everyone and anyone away.  I don’t want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me.  I just want to fade away out of the line of sight of everyone and everything.  I go back to when I didn’t let anyone inside.  These feelings like this are not new.  They have been around since my daughter was very little.  I’ve often wondered if I ever pushed her away.  I’ve talked to her about it and she said no momma, you have always let me in. 

The funny thing is this… I don’t know how I use to make it go away before I was married.  Now, my husband is my cure.  He seems to know when to pull me close, when to reach out and just touch my face softly with his fingertips. Sometimes it’s as simple as, “I love you darlin’” and the look in his eyes tells me it is the truth.  I have never felt the way I do when he holds me close, his fingers strumming along my body; His lips slowly caressing my neck or my ears.  I feel so loved and I feel so deeply that I cry during our lovemaking.  I don’t know if other women ever experience feelings that deep or not.    He no longer asks why I cry, when I do.  I love him totally and utterly without holding back.  I’ve never loved anyone like that of the opposite sex.  He is truly my soul mate.  I think if I had not found him when I did, when God sent him to me, I would be in a very lonely world, or maybe not even in this world any longer.  I’m not sure. 

I know this, that no matter what our families say, we were destined for each other from the beginning of time.  Not that I would want to change what we have lived through or received from our lives like our children, but sometimes, I wish that I had met him when I was 16, 18, or 20.  I wish we could have had more in our lives, and even children together.  Again, there is no regret only trust and a love that I think God for every day of my life since I met him, received the first email, or had the first conversation.  It’s kind of like the song, “You had me from Hello.”

My Writings

For the last few days I've been writing articles or thoughts or something anyway and I'm just putting them in a folder.  Some will hurt people, some will make people wonder, and some might make people go away.  I'm not sure.  I'm not sleeping so good these days, too many worries, and yes before you ask, I've handed them to God several times.  It's just that the world keeps putting them back on top instead of at the bottom of the cross.  Oh! Wait!  I guess that is me and not the world, but the world does cause me to pick them back up.  My faith is strong but not strong enough.  So I write and write.  Hoping that one of these days I will get it all out and down on paper and the world will look better from the ink drippings on my page. 

Some times each dot of ink is almost like a tear falling softly down.  Some times it is a raindrop, huge and with force blowing against the pane of my heart.  Some times the dot of ink is the thunder and lightening and I'm enjoying it as it splashes across the page.  My writings allow me to feel and I don't always feel which is one of the things I wrote about today, this morning.  It is easy for me to throw up a wall and block people out of my life, some times forcing those I love to stand back for awhile until I'm ready to feel again.  I'm not sure if that makes me heartless or not.  Some times, I don't feel like I have a heart or that I am truly capable of real feelings.  I some times don't know who I really am deep down.  Who am I as a person?  What am I as a person?  Maybe one day I will discover that and maybe then I can share it with everyone.


L

How Do You Measure Your Happiness?

This has been on my mine a lot lately.  How do you measure your happiness?  Do you measure it by the material things you have?  By the amount of money you have in the bank?  Or do you measure it by the number of friends you have? 

Do you truly know if you are happy?  If you are happy, what is it that makes you happy?  Is it knowing that you are safe and secure?  Is it knowing that no matter what your spouse will love you?  When was the last time you were truly happy and laughed all the time or had a smile on your face all the time? 

I would love to see your answers or your thoughts on the subject.  I will answer those questions myself in a blog to come.  As I said, I have been contemplating these questions myself lately. 

Later,
Love, L

Doors and Friends

I guess the phrase “when one door closes another one opens” is true. However, sometimes we don’t always get confirmation that this is absolute. Sometimes we make decisions and never know if we made the right one at the right time. So I guess that sometimes we close those doors and can only hope another will open and immediate confirmation is not always there. I did however receive confirmation that I made the correct decision from about 14 months ago. After 23 years, I left the relocation industry on a venture, that I hoped and prayed would be fruitful, and even though the venture was not, my decision was still correct.

The company I worked for was sold and I believe there have been two layoffs and insurance benefits have gone up and some people have had to take pay cuts to keep a job.

During the last 14 months, many doors or opportunities have been opened for me. I temporarily worked for a furniture store, a movie theater and I have been able to write articles for people. Many doors have also closed during those 14 months. I left behind the security of a monthly paycheck, health insurance, good friends, lost a home, gave up my dogs, and lost a sister in laws friendship. This wasn’t all because of the decision I made, but because of things that happened emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally during that time. I drifted to a place of darkness that I never want to visit again, but some days I feel myself drifting towards that well of darkness.

Just like doors, friends come and go in our lives. They arrive to fill a specific need and sometimes, are gone very soon, and sometimes are with us for our entire lives. God fills our lives with those people to take care of needs whether they are emotional, spiritual, mental or physical. Sometimes those particular friendships or relationships end on a good note or end horribly and make us wonder why on earth we ever met.

There are many regrets when it comes to friends. Some if those friends, I lost due to their death, some because of words said or written and some because we just lost touch with each other. My regrets come from not saying good bye, some from not saying, I’m sorry, I did mean that the way it sounded, and some I just didn’t get to say how much I loved them and how much I enjoyed having them as friends.

Just remember that doors and friends open and close, come and go, and we don’t always know when that will happen. Cherish your friendships, say you’re sorry when you need to or even if you don’t think you need too, be there for them when they need you because you may need them some day as well. Never dwell in the past, live in the present and look forward to the future and pray to God for the things you need, the blessing you have received, for loved ones, for those that are sick or in need of healing. It doesn’t matter what people think of you or say about you. It matters as to what is in your heart, and that God lives there and knows your soul. Life is stressful enough without trying to worry about what people might say, think or do. Live life to the fullest; love unconditionally; laugh often, cry it cleanses the soul, and don’t expect anything in return. God will see to all your needs. May you be Blessed to the fullest and may God shine through your soul.

Hate - A very strong emotion

We fight the battle of good vs evil everyday. Some days we win and some days we lose. God is always there with us helping us to fight those battles and we walk away with scars that run very deep some times. I'm not talking evil as in villians, monsters, crooks, robbers and such. I'm talking about the battle within ourselves to do good instead of bad, to think good instead of bad, to love everyone and not have bad feelings towards others. Hate is a word I associate with bad or evil. I don't hate anyone, I don't love everyone like I should, like the bible dictates. I have a strong dislike for some people and it usually comes back to how I was treated by them or something that was done. I always try to forgive and forget. The forgiving part is not as hard as it used to be, but sometimes the forgetting part of what happened lingers endlessly. It's kind of like that darkness that sometimes tries to steal me from the world. I fear that one day the darkness will win and swallow me and I will cease to exist. Sometimes people cause you to have negative thoughts or cause emotions like hatred and anger to over take your thoughts, body and soul. I try to go to God when that starts to happen and sometimes, I just cry. Hate is something I have more towards myself than anyone else. I hate that I let myself get caught up in what other people think of me, my life. I hate the guilt I feel towards things that have happened in the past even though I've asked for God forgiveness, the forgetting doesn't stop. I hate that I let these thoughts and feelings sometimes take over my life. I hate that I don't trust people no matter what. I hate that I feel like I've let people down or failed them for one reason or another. I hate that I have let life harden my heart. I hate that I let my past interfere in my present and sometimes dictate the course of my future. I hate that I have no close friends and I hate that I let my anger and fear run them off. God will or has forgiven me, I just can't forgive myself or let the emotions go. May God bless you all. Love, L

Fear and Anger - My constant battle

I made a new discovery this week and I know that only God can help me with my issue. The two emotions fear and angry, plague me on a regular basis. Some of it I'm sure is because of hormonal imbalances in my body, but for the most part, it is just an issue. Fear not so much as anger, but I do find myself in a place I don't like to be. Let me start with my anger issue. It revolves around a person. I've tried to step back out from my hard feelings and re-analyze the issues that I have with this person. I've stopped making remarks because all it does is make me the bad person. If this person comes up in polite conversation between me and other friends, I just nod affirmatively or say "yes." It doesn't however, stop the feeling of angry that rises in me. I've prayed for understanding, wisdom and knowledge on how to help this person, deal with this person and do whatever it is that God needs me to do for this person. I felt God telling me to do something at one point. I did what was asked of me, but it didn't seem to help and I felt I received the brush off from this person. SO I guess all in all I'm just asking for prayer to help me with my anger. I'm not sure that there is a cure for a relationship with this person, I've not given up, but I don't know that things will ever be good, maybe tolerable at best.

Now to my second emotional issue, Fear. I know that fear is caused by Satan, and with fear comes worry. I feel that I have more than hit bottom with this one. It doesn't seem to matter how much support or encouragement I receive, I can't get rid of it. I've bond Satan and prayed in Jesus name for Satan to be banished from my house, my life, and my family. Maybe I'm not doing it right. With this fear comes my ability to strike out and hurt the people I love the most. My husband usually catches most of it, and part of the fear I have is because of his recent accident and the results we have received so far. I don't mean to do that, and once it happens, then I'm even more emotional because of what I have said or done or both. I need God's help. I've asked for it the only way I know how, in prayer, at the bottom of my emotional pit. The pit of fear is very deep. The dirt has not started to fall in on top of me yet, but I feel it is close. I know that Jesus will not let me slip away into nothingness because He is always here and He loves me. Please pray. May God Bless everyone and especially those that read this entry. Help me to overcome. L

Need Book Publisher

Hi there, If there is anyone who knows a book publisher that is currently seeking new work, please add a comment. I have 3 romance novels and I'm also finished with a work dealing with life's rollercoaster of emotions. It is called Scattered Thoughts. So give us a shout and let us know if you know anyone. I've been writing since I was about 14 and have 3 completed books, 6 in various stages, and a few poems. I love writing! It is my escape from all the depressing news in the world.