When I No Longer Feel

There are times when the outside world gets to me and I can no longer handle it.  The stress builds and builds until the wall around my heart starts to grow, brick by brick, stone by stone.  The worry of being able to pay bills, of having a place to live and not be afraid of losing everything else I have left in this life, gets too much.  I stop feeling. 

I push everyone and anyone away.  I don’t want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me.  I just want to fade away out of the line of sight of everyone and everything.  I go back to when I didn’t let anyone inside.  These feelings like this are not new.  They have been around since my daughter was very little.  I’ve often wondered if I ever pushed her away.  I’ve talked to her about it and she said no momma, you have always let me in. 

The funny thing is this… I don’t know how I use to make it go away before I was married.  Now, my husband is my cure.  He seems to know when to pull me close, when to reach out and just touch my face softly with his fingertips. Sometimes it’s as simple as, “I love you darlin’” and the look in his eyes tells me it is the truth.  I have never felt the way I do when he holds me close, his fingers strumming along my body; His lips slowly caressing my neck or my ears.  I feel so loved and I feel so deeply that I cry during our lovemaking.  I don’t know if other women ever experience feelings that deep or not.    He no longer asks why I cry, when I do.  I love him totally and utterly without holding back.  I’ve never loved anyone like that of the opposite sex.  He is truly my soul mate.  I think if I had not found him when I did, when God sent him to me, I would be in a very lonely world, or maybe not even in this world any longer.  I’m not sure. 

I know this, that no matter what our families say, we were destined for each other from the beginning of time.  Not that I would want to change what we have lived through or received from our lives like our children, but sometimes, I wish that I had met him when I was 16, 18, or 20.  I wish we could have had more in our lives, and even children together.  Again, there is no regret only trust and a love that I think God for every day of my life since I met him, received the first email, or had the first conversation.  It’s kind of like the song, “You had me from Hello.”

My Writings

For the last few days I've been writing articles or thoughts or something anyway and I'm just putting them in a folder.  Some will hurt people, some will make people wonder, and some might make people go away.  I'm not sure.  I'm not sleeping so good these days, too many worries, and yes before you ask, I've handed them to God several times.  It's just that the world keeps putting them back on top instead of at the bottom of the cross.  Oh! Wait!  I guess that is me and not the world, but the world does cause me to pick them back up.  My faith is strong but not strong enough.  So I write and write.  Hoping that one of these days I will get it all out and down on paper and the world will look better from the ink drippings on my page. 

Some times each dot of ink is almost like a tear falling softly down.  Some times it is a raindrop, huge and with force blowing against the pane of my heart.  Some times the dot of ink is the thunder and lightening and I'm enjoying it as it splashes across the page.  My writings allow me to feel and I don't always feel which is one of the things I wrote about today, this morning.  It is easy for me to throw up a wall and block people out of my life, some times forcing those I love to stand back for awhile until I'm ready to feel again.  I'm not sure if that makes me heartless or not.  Some times, I don't feel like I have a heart or that I am truly capable of real feelings.  I some times don't know who I really am deep down.  Who am I as a person?  What am I as a person?  Maybe one day I will discover that and maybe then I can share it with everyone.


L

A Picture is Worth

We have all heard the saying many times that a picture is worth a thousand words, but what about the tone in someone's words.  The tongue it is said is as sharp as a two-edged sword, and I've been told on more than one occassion that I was mean, abrupt and bitter, and it doesn't matter if a person is smiling when they say those things, it still hurts.

Sarcasm is a great defensive mechanism and I used to use it all the time.  The other day some one said, "Who only own the words you speak.  You cannot control the way someone interprets them or takes them."  This is only too true.  In the long run, though, does it really matter.  If you say something totally unintentionally and someone is offended, is it your responsibility to apologize to them?  What if you don't know that you have offend them or hurt their feelings?  All you know is that now they are cold and distant. 

I posted a new profile picture of myself on Facebook.  It is very difficult to smile and take your own picture.  Someone said, "Great pic."  "Next time smile."  Funny thing is, I was smiling.  It wasn't a broad grin it was just a slight uplift at the corners of my mouth.  In the picture I look like I'm 100 years old or so it seems.  Situations in life do take their toll on you and I've been through some difficult things in the last two or three years, and stress has definitely help to age me.  I don't feel as old as I look in the photo, and the saying goes you are only as old as you feel right?

Here's a word of wisdom by the way, just because someone isn't smiling all the time, doesn't mean that they are angry or upset or unhappy.  They might just be in deep thought or facing a difficult decision.  So don't look at them and say smile.  Just smile at them and acknowledge them.  Chances are that they will smile back.
May you be filled with the loving spirit of God!  He is awesome.... Thank you Lord Jesus for everything you do in my life. 

Okay, here's the picture I posted on Facebook...  Actually I share the one I didn't post and the one I posted.

Not posted....  

One on the right, posted...

Separating Your Feelings

There are times lately that I have a hard time separating out my feelings.  I pretty sure most of it is because I am going to recovery meetings and it takes you through a lot of self-examination.  During the day, my mood fluctuates so much that I can cry one minute and laugh myself to tears the next.  Are my hormones screwed up?  Probably.  I've needed to go to the doctor for hormonal issues for more than a year.  No health insurance and lack of income stop me from going. 

Some days I feel I have given up a lot in the last few years and I am resentful that I've had to do that, not because I was asked to give them up, but because I had to make some very difficult decisions.  Do I ever wish I could turn back time?  Several hundred times a week.  Would it make a difference?  Probably not. 

But I do have some regrets that have caused a lot of guilt feelings.  The guilt won't seem to go away, and I hope as I travel through on the road to recovery, that they will.  I lean more on God every day.  I find myself praying and don't even realize that I am doing it.  I find myself singing a song in my head from church service on Sunday morning, or from one I've been listening too on the radio at the house.  It's not a bad thing, because it keeps me from reliving things from my past.  It keeps anger at bay.  And I feel closer to God and eventually kind of calm inside. 

The dreams that are happening, I'm sure stem from recovery and having to analyze things from my past.  One or two things that keep coming back to surface is the question about being selfish.  I've never thought of myself as being selfish, maybe I am and just don't see.  I'm sure I could pose the question to family and friends and they would be more than happy to answer.  Oh but am I ready for that part of recovery?  I'm not even sure I'm ready for recovery. 

Okay and just as a reminder, recovery is not just for drug addicts or alcoholics.  It is for people who have been hurt in their past from many different things or maybe because they have other addictions that could eventually harm them or ruin their lives.  So before you look down your nose at someone because they are attending recovery meetings, examine your own past.  Maybe you need to go too!

Typical Monday

Its a typical Monday morning, chilly, damp and I don't want to work outside today.. But I will if we go. We are close to finishing this job and I really hope we make enough to catch things up and have enough for a little Christmas. If not, I'm sure God will take care of our needs. I miss my family, my friends, and my socializing outside of family with co-workers and clients. I don't miss the clients enough to want to go back to corporate America, but I do miss it.

We made both church services yesterday. I really like the church and the people. I can feel God at work there, and sometimes it is hard not to cry during singing and invitation. I know that is God working in my life. I know God has something wonderful planned for me and Norman. I just wish He would let us know what it is.

Hope you all have a wonderful, God blessed day! Wishing each and everyone of you a very Merry Christmas!

Bible Verse: 1 Peter 1:16

Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.

Too Much Thinking

Sometimes I think it is possible to think too much... Lately, I have been losing sleep because it is like my brain never shuts down. Impossible right? Wrong... I hate it when I have so much on my mind that I can't sleep. We all have troubles these days, and yes those keep me awake and worried, but I know that God is taking care of that... but lately, I've been thinking that maybe my life needs to be pointed towards a new direction. I've been telling my husband for a long time, that I would love to be able to try to live off the land, and live "green" instead of trying so hard to keep work coming in, and not having a place of our own. I know to go green, and be financially free, it takes money. Is that an oxymoron? Anyway, I would love to have a little farm or ranch, that would produce enough for us to have food, and money, and not have to worry. Is that possible? I'm not sure. Of course, if I could use my writing to help bring in the income that would be cool too. Does my husband share my same wish? He would like to be financially free, and able to work as a general contractor when he wanted too, and not because we have to have the money. Will we ever get there? I'm not sure, but it has made us both stop and re-examine our lives, and think more seriously about what we want our futures to be. Could we sell everything we don't have to have, and get up and walk away from the life we have now? I'm not sure. I would also love to be able to do more with the church. So have I been thinking too much???? Only God knows that, and God also knows what is in our hearts and what we need and what we want. God will take care of everything in His time, and not ours. We love our new church family. Is this the church we are suppose to be part of? God will let us know in time. God Bless each and everyone of you.

The End of the Week

Wow, it has been one of those weeks where I seemed to be at a dead run, but had nothing really to do. I finished a baby blanket, found the hot pad boards to return to my sister, worked on my bible study, came up with a new name for a new blog, and nursed my dog back to health. Other than that it was just normal household chores like cleaning, laundry, and budgeting for bills, oh and my daughter broke her hand. Go figure! So why do I feel like something was missing? If you read my blogs, I just wrote a conversation with God. I have those a lot, more now than I use to, and much deeper than they use to be. We are going to church again. Everyone is really nice, you can feel the love in the church, and everyone makes sure to speak and say hi, and no one said, "you have my seat." We know several people that already go there, and that makes it nice. We can walk across the street and we are there. We are going again tomorrow. I'm glad. I wasn't sure if we would or not. I'm not sure what next week will be like. I love working with my husband and brother in law, but sometimes it is difficult, especially if there are no facilities for potty breaks. I want my website to work. I want to write and be able to make a living, and not just a living to get us by or to pay the bills, but to be a legitimate income. I'm not looking for fame or to get rich. I just want to do more than survive. I don't want to have to worry about the weather effecting work, or the time of year when it is slow for general contracting, and I don't want my husband to have to work until he is 80. I know God will show us what we need to do, so in the meantime, please check out my website: www.farnsworthscreativeservices.com, and my other blogs: http://livingbythewordofgod.blogspot.com, and http://beagledowns.blogspot.com, and there will soon be a new one, the name will be announced soon. May God Bless you all this week. Love, L

Can't Shake It

Do you ever have days where your brain will just not shut off for a few minutes? I mean even why you are sleeping, your brain continually thinks. Or do you ever have a day, where one single thing takes all the brain capacity you have and will not go away? For some reason today has been one of those days. I woke up in an excellent mood. It was a little chilly, coffee was made and you could smell it all over the house... ahhh it was so good. I'm not sure what triggered the mood change. I'm not sure what made the thoughts enter and why they will not leave. It wasn't just one single thought. It was several. I did my devotionals this morning, prayed just like always. So why is the devil taking over? I prayed for God to send him away. So what are the thoughts that have been plaguing me today? Where am I headed? What am I suppose to do with my life? Will life ever be normal again? Why do things happen just before the holidays? I've asked myself that last question for years. I guess that is why I don't really enjoy the holidays any more. It always seemed that something either happens just before a major holiday or while everyone is together. I love visiting family so what happened in my life to make things change? I can probably answer that question, and all the ones above but it is best sometimes to leave things unsaid, not spoken. May God Bless You all. Love L

Have You Ever Wondered Where Your Life Has Gone?

Okay so its not like my life has ended, but it just seems like it has all been a blur, especially the last 7 years. I mean we moved, my life changed dramatically when I had gastric bypass, I met and fell in love and got married, and things got complicated. Complicated is not bad, just hard to handle sometimes. I love my husband and would not change the last 4 years for anything. He filled a place that had been empty all my life. My daughter grew up, fell in love and got married. I quit a job with an industry I had been in for 23 years, and I don't miss the job, I miss the people. My parents moved to Denton, I lost my grandmother, a home, and all my dogs. Do I have any regrets? No not really, just wish that I had done more in the last 15 or 23 years than I did. I think if I had thought it possible, I would have had a gastric bypass when they first came up with the surgery. I would have traveled more, been better with my money, and maybe made a few decisions differently. However, if that had changed the people I have met, then maybe I don't really want that after all. It is true, that people come in and out of your life for a reason. Some are there just for the moment, others are there for the long haul. But all of them leave you with some little tidbit of information, or a feeling or a memory, or a thought that makes you smile, or makes you cry. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Well that is another post and another day. May God Bless you all. L