A Destructive Streak

If you read my blogs, I shared about my eating disorder and some of my trigger foods.  Because of the gastric bypass sugar is a no no, carbonation is suppose to be a no no, drinking through a straw is also one of those things I'm not suppose to do.  Also since the surgery, I have developed a few things that I am allergic to like chocolate, milk, ranch dressing in large quantities, queso, and I have problems with digesting lettuce. 

So there are times when I know what I am eating is going to make me sick.  So why do I do it?  I usually reason it out with this statement, "I haven't had it in a long time and I need it."  It is true to a point.  Sometimes I just want the taste again.  I love salads.  I like to eat cereal.  Yesterday I made brownies and I've eaten them twice. 

I know emotions effect this a lot, so I try to figure out what exactly it is that drives me to do this.  I'm not lonely.  I have a wonderful marriage.  We have financial difficulties, but then who doesn't these days.  I think a big problem I have right now is trying to figure out what, where and when.  Finding a job is stressing the situation as well.  I want to go back to school, but they are requiring pre-algebra and I'm sure it is necessary, but I would like to start working towards my degree as well.  Maybe teaching is not the degree I need to go after?  I just not sure.  So I think really that is the issue.  I want to use the things I love to make a living, but then I think about that in the long run and wonder how long will the world need an animal trainer or dog trainer, and does any one still read books, fiction.? 

I know that I need to start journaling again.  I haven't in almost two months at least not on a consistent basis and maybe that will help me.  I talk to God constantly and know that He is there providing for me and my needs.

Have a God Filled Day!
Love, L

How Do You Measure Your Happiness?

This has been on my mine a lot lately.  How do you measure your happiness?  Do you measure it by the material things you have?  By the amount of money you have in the bank?  Or do you measure it by the number of friends you have? 

Do you truly know if you are happy?  If you are happy, what is it that makes you happy?  Is it knowing that you are safe and secure?  Is it knowing that no matter what your spouse will love you?  When was the last time you were truly happy and laughed all the time or had a smile on your face all the time? 

I would love to see your answers or your thoughts on the subject.  I will answer those questions myself in a blog to come.  As I said, I have been contemplating these questions myself lately. 

Later,
Love, L

So Many Thoughts, Not Enough Space or Time

Okay so I could sleep late this morning and I woke up before four am.  I finally got up at five something and pushed the button on the coffee pot.  Why?  Who knows why I woke up so early, but I dreamed a lot last night.  Some of my dream had to do with renewing our vows, but the hymn Tenderly and Softly ( I think that is correct) kept running through my mind.  Of course I am always thinking about how I can increase my income from writing, and I'm not talking about writing content.  I can do that and I'm okay with that, but I have an extremely hard time writing about things I have no interest in or care about.  So I know that just writing content is never going to be enough income.  I love writing stories, books, poems (although I'm not as good at poems) and just little articles or pages dealing with life.  I have writing posted on the website called triond and you make money off of it for people viewing or reading or whatever you want to call it.  I've received a notice today that I made a whole .51 cents on the site this last month.  Okay I know you are laughing, but here's the thing, I've not posted anything new on that site probably in months.  So to make money when I haven't added anything new, means something to me.  I also have articles and stories on http://www.helium.com/ and I have two or three dollars accumulated on that site as well, but you can't get paid from that one unless you have 25.00 or more. 

On Monday of this week, I made a list of things that I wanted to work on this week, and I kind of starting working towards my goal of losing 35 pounds.  By the way, I've lost 4 pounds since the 27th of December, and I'm not really trying, just increasing protein, water intake and the amount I eat, and how often I eat.  Anyway, the list I compiled looked like this:

Triond
Helium
Blogs
Budget - completed, but needs to be changed a little
Math
Caity's Blanket
journal
devotional
Food log
telephone service - completed
vacuum cleaner belts - borrowed my niece's instead
Grant gopher
Vince's stuff - I've tried and I don't think I can accomplish this one.

Things I've done that weren't on that list are as follows:
made dog treats
cleaned the house
did laundry
exercised
new cell phones activated

Today is Thursday and the chances that I will get anything else done on the original list is very slim.  I did start a journal entry this morning and I did make a list of items we still need to pay by the end of January, and that one is in God's hands.  There is a recovery meeting tonight and I'm going to try to go, but... we will just leave it at that.  (Ugh I need to take something out of the freezer for dinner)

I know that God never leaves us and we just have to trust in Him completely.  That was my one and only resolution for the year, To Trust In God and Step out in Faith.  So here it is God.  I know you can sort through it and show me where and how, when, and why, and what. 

May you all have a God Filled and Blessed Day!

Timeless Tuesday

Today has been one of the longest days I have experienced in a while.  I miss the kids at school and this afternoon I walked over to see who was there. Only three there Emily, Jara and Laily.  Laily's mom Tracy, and Ms. Melissa.  I wish I hadn't resigned, but it was for the better.  The school doesn't have to worry about paying 4 teachers when there really wasn't enough three year old students for two classes. 

Changing the subject, Remember the song by Cyndi Lauper called Just another manic Monday!!!! That was yesterday.  I know that this time of year is very slow for my husband's work, but I don't quite remember it being this slow last year.  We are better off bill wise, because we have paid my car off, but when you look at everything in the long run, I still need to find work.  I don't want to move... but it may come to that.  We both need jobs that are steady at least for awhile. 

Anyway, it is in God's hands right now.  I've been job surfing all day practically, so much so I have a stress headache.  On a different note, we are going to spend Thanksgiving with my family this year....  I can't wait to play games and laugh and have a good time.  Almost everyone will be there except for my niece Misty, but she is being transferred to the half house from rehab.  I am so proud of her!  And my nephew John.  They are finally turning their lives around. 

I am thinking about maybe offering to babysit or watch a couple of kids after school to see if i get any takers.  It wouldn't be much income but it would be some and with cleaning at the church it will help until I can find something full time.  I'm not even sure what kind of job I want.  I just want to be able to go to school and get my degree.  Maybe I can find something at a childcare facility or something like that to help.  Anyway, I guess that is where we are right now.  If we move, I would definitely want to go the direction that my daughter and son in law are going.  I'm not sure how that will effect my husband's work.  We have to go where there is work.  I  am tired of worrying and not knowing what is going to happen.  Yes i know about giving it to God, but let's face it, that is a whole lot easier said than done.  I pray and talk to God all the time.  He answers my prayers and I know i just have to have faith and trust in the Lord, and i do try to do that everyday, but Monday was my day for a nervous breakdown.  And I had it.

My daughter is a great prayer warrior and we prayed together and all is turning out okay, not great but okay and it will get better.  I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving and that you all are blessed greatly by God in all that you seek.  Have a God Filled Day!

Priorities In Life

Okay after a long talk with God this morning, I've realized that I need to get my priorities straight.  Playing games on Face book, playing solitaire, or doing things that are not productive should not be on that list.  So after a lot of thinking and realizing that money for the next two weeks is going to be very, very tight, I've decided to re-organize things and get a plan together and in place.  Of course, I need God to be at the top of that list, and He is. 

So here are the things I'm trying to accomplish with God at the helm over the next six to seven months.

1.  A closer walk with Jesus and He being first in my life.
2.  An income from my freelance writing and my website to sustain us when Norman doesn't have any work.
3.  To start school.  I had some very unrealistic goals this last week concerning this, so if i don't get enrolled to start by January one, then I'm not going to freak out.
4.  A place to live where, the electricity bill and utilities are not more than the rent.  A place to live where we are not overrun by critters so to speak.  A place to live where the floors don't give when you walk.  A place to live that I can invite my family to spend the night.  A place to live where if I decide to keep kids or provide childcare, I have room.
5.  To plan and pay for our vow renewal ceremony, just the way we want it.

These are currently my priorities.  I have other priorities but these take precedence currently.  Number one will always be a priority no matter what else I have completed or accomplished.  God, husband, work, family, and friends.  Those are the way it is for now. 

May you truly have a blessed and God Filled Day.  love, L