If you read my blogs, I shared about my eating disorder and some of my trigger foods. Because of the gastric bypass sugar is a no no, carbonation is suppose to be a no no, drinking through a straw is also one of those things I'm not suppose to do. Also since the surgery, I have developed a few things that I am allergic to like chocolate, milk, ranch dressing in large quantities, queso, and I have problems with digesting lettuce.
So there are times when I know what I am eating is going to make me sick. So why do I do it? I usually reason it out with this statement, "I haven't had it in a long time and I need it." It is true to a point. Sometimes I just want the taste again. I love salads. I like to eat cereal. Yesterday I made brownies and I've eaten them twice.
I know emotions effect this a lot, so I try to figure out what exactly it is that drives me to do this. I'm not lonely. I have a wonderful marriage. We have financial difficulties, but then who doesn't these days. I think a big problem I have right now is trying to figure out what, where and when. Finding a job is stressing the situation as well. I want to go back to school, but they are requiring pre-algebra and I'm sure it is necessary, but I would like to start working towards my degree as well. Maybe teaching is not the degree I need to go after? I just not sure. So I think really that is the issue. I want to use the things I love to make a living, but then I think about that in the long run and wonder how long will the world need an animal trainer or dog trainer, and does any one still read books, fiction.?
I know that I need to start journaling again. I haven't in almost two months at least not on a consistent basis and maybe that will help me. I talk to God constantly and know that He is there providing for me and my needs.
Have a God Filled Day!
Love, L
Showing posts with label emotional eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional eating. Show all posts
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
At Some Point I lost control
I have been overweight most or all my life. I constantly struggled from the time I was in first grade to the present with being at a weight where I was happy with my appearance. There have been times when I weighed 125 as a teenager and thought I was at a good spot, but I have never been able to maintain a healthy, happy weight. My highest weight was 322 pounds. I weighed that at the time I had a gastric bypass. The lowest weight I have been since the surgery was 157 pounds and I only reached that after having mono and throwing up for 48 hours.
Once I recovered from mono I hit 167 and I was okay with that, because I was toned and I was wearing a size 12. That is the smallest I have been since I was 16. In 1998 or 1999, I was diagnosed with compulsive overeating disorder. It is something I have constantly struggled with and at some point in the last 18 months I have totally lost control. There are foods that I should never buy at the store because of the disorder. Popcorn, chips, and sugar cookies, whether in a roll to be baked or fresh or whatever. I cannot stop once I start and I eat until I throw up. I know this is not healthy. So what do I do? I've put more pressure on myself to control it and my weight.
I have set an impossible goal, and find myself thinking about things like starvation diets, consuming less than a 1000 calories a day. Here's the thing though, even with those thoughts, I'm already defeated because I can't control the eating disorder. No matter how hard I try, and I do have good days, I cannot stop myself.
I've turned it over to God and constantly fail. It is not God's fault that I cannot control it. It is mine. I've tried everything. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I do not want to gain any more weight. I'm already considered obese by the BMI index that you see on the internet and in doctor's offices. I start every day a new with the hopes of getting it back under control. I can't afford to get help with it professionally, and I have no insurance. I have pulled my books about emotional eating and overeating, and compulsive obsessive disorder out of storage. I will start again, but I'm really lost this time.
Eating disorders are very serious no matter what or which one you have. Most people think that people with eating disorders are these little bitty skinny people, and that is not true. I weighed this morning after working out for over two weeks, and cutting back on my eating and I have not lost any weight. I actually starting the whole cutting back thing before the end of December.
I don't know why I wrote all this or why I'm sharing, but cold reality hit me in the face today, and this was only one of the things I have to face and do it quickly.
Love, L
Once I recovered from mono I hit 167 and I was okay with that, because I was toned and I was wearing a size 12. That is the smallest I have been since I was 16. In 1998 or 1999, I was diagnosed with compulsive overeating disorder. It is something I have constantly struggled with and at some point in the last 18 months I have totally lost control. There are foods that I should never buy at the store because of the disorder. Popcorn, chips, and sugar cookies, whether in a roll to be baked or fresh or whatever. I cannot stop once I start and I eat until I throw up. I know this is not healthy. So what do I do? I've put more pressure on myself to control it and my weight.
I have set an impossible goal, and find myself thinking about things like starvation diets, consuming less than a 1000 calories a day. Here's the thing though, even with those thoughts, I'm already defeated because I can't control the eating disorder. No matter how hard I try, and I do have good days, I cannot stop myself.
I've turned it over to God and constantly fail. It is not God's fault that I cannot control it. It is mine. I've tried everything. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I do not want to gain any more weight. I'm already considered obese by the BMI index that you see on the internet and in doctor's offices. I start every day a new with the hopes of getting it back under control. I can't afford to get help with it professionally, and I have no insurance. I have pulled my books about emotional eating and overeating, and compulsive obsessive disorder out of storage. I will start again, but I'm really lost this time.
Eating disorders are very serious no matter what or which one you have. Most people think that people with eating disorders are these little bitty skinny people, and that is not true. I weighed this morning after working out for over two weeks, and cutting back on my eating and I have not lost any weight. I actually starting the whole cutting back thing before the end of December.
I don't know why I wrote all this or why I'm sharing, but cold reality hit me in the face today, and this was only one of the things I have to face and do it quickly.
Love, L
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