A Destructive Streak

If you read my blogs, I shared about my eating disorder and some of my trigger foods.  Because of the gastric bypass sugar is a no no, carbonation is suppose to be a no no, drinking through a straw is also one of those things I'm not suppose to do.  Also since the surgery, I have developed a few things that I am allergic to like chocolate, milk, ranch dressing in large quantities, queso, and I have problems with digesting lettuce. 

So there are times when I know what I am eating is going to make me sick.  So why do I do it?  I usually reason it out with this statement, "I haven't had it in a long time and I need it."  It is true to a point.  Sometimes I just want the taste again.  I love salads.  I like to eat cereal.  Yesterday I made brownies and I've eaten them twice. 

I know emotions effect this a lot, so I try to figure out what exactly it is that drives me to do this.  I'm not lonely.  I have a wonderful marriage.  We have financial difficulties, but then who doesn't these days.  I think a big problem I have right now is trying to figure out what, where and when.  Finding a job is stressing the situation as well.  I want to go back to school, but they are requiring pre-algebra and I'm sure it is necessary, but I would like to start working towards my degree as well.  Maybe teaching is not the degree I need to go after?  I just not sure.  So I think really that is the issue.  I want to use the things I love to make a living, but then I think about that in the long run and wonder how long will the world need an animal trainer or dog trainer, and does any one still read books, fiction.? 

I know that I need to start journaling again.  I haven't in almost two months at least not on a consistent basis and maybe that will help me.  I talk to God constantly and know that He is there providing for me and my needs.

Have a God Filled Day!
Love, L

Dreams.... To Follow or Give Up

Some times it seems that I'm being given signs to keep believing that one day I'll have my dream, and then there are days when I think it is useless and just to give up. How do you know when it is time to let it go?? Is it a feeling? Are there definite signs??? Do I keep pushing? I'm not sure any more. I'm 47 years old and I think it is time that I redefine what is important to me. I love animals but I know that my husband does not share my enthusiasm for them. I love writing, but in the last few months I've had signs that maybe it is not to be... I finished my book Scattered Thoughts and I really would like to publish it. Even if I self-published it would be a goal that I accomplished this year. However, I know there are some things that would hurt people if I published it, and that is not something I want to do. Even though there are no names, of people directly it would make hard feelings and there are already enough of those I feel like some times. I don't know how many times in the last few months that I've been told I need to let go of the anger, and the funny thing is I'm not angry. I've been told I'm bitter. I don't see it... I've been told I'm depressed.. maybe. I've lost a lot of good friends since I quit corporate America. I don't have any close friends and I was even told that was because I push people away. Maybe? So when do you know to call it quits? When do you decide it is time to let those things go, and just try to make it in the world? Maybe it is time to go some place new and start over? Maybe I am a bitter angry person and that is why I can't see the things I need to see. I guess I'm just questioning things. I'm having a hard time staying focused on the present, because the future is so unsure. I just don't know....