At Some Point I lost control

I have been overweight most or all my life.  I constantly struggled from the time I was in first grade to the present with being at a weight where I was happy with my appearance.  There have been times when I weighed 125 as a teenager and thought I was at a good spot, but I have never been able to maintain a healthy, happy weight.  My highest weight was 322 pounds.  I weighed that at the time I had a gastric bypass.  The lowest weight I have been since the surgery was 157 pounds and I only reached that after having mono and throwing up for 48 hours. 

Once I recovered from mono I hit 167 and I was okay with that, because I was toned and I was wearing a size 12.  That is the smallest I have been since I was 16.  In 1998 or 1999, I was diagnosed with compulsive overeating disorder.  It is something I have constantly struggled with and at some point in the last 18 months I have totally lost control.  There are foods that I should never buy at the store because of the disorder.  Popcorn, chips, and sugar cookies, whether in a roll to be baked or fresh or whatever.  I cannot stop once I start and I eat until I throw up.  I know this is not healthy.  So what do I do?  I've put more pressure on myself to control it and my weight. 

I have set an impossible goal, and find myself thinking about things like starvation diets, consuming less than a 1000 calories a day.  Here's the thing though, even with those thoughts, I'm already defeated because I can't control the eating disorder.  No matter how hard I try, and I do have good days, I cannot stop myself. 

I've turned it over to God and constantly fail.  It is not God's fault that I cannot control it.  It is mine.  I've tried everything.  I'm not sure what to do at this point.  I do not want to gain any more weight.  I'm already considered obese by the BMI index that you see on the internet and in doctor's offices.  I start every day a new with the hopes of getting it back under control.  I can't afford to get help with it professionally, and I have no insurance.  I have pulled my books about emotional eating and overeating, and compulsive obsessive disorder out of storage.  I will start again, but I'm really lost this time. 

Eating disorders are very serious no matter what or which one you have.  Most people think that people with eating disorders are these little bitty skinny people, and that is not true.  I weighed this morning after working out for over two weeks, and cutting back on my eating and I have not lost any weight.  I actually starting the whole cutting back thing before the end of December. 

I don't know why I wrote all this or why I'm sharing, but cold reality hit me in the face today, and this was only one of the things I have to face and do it quickly.

Love, L

Have You Ever Wondered Where Your Life Has Gone?

Okay so its not like my life has ended, but it just seems like it has all been a blur, especially the last 7 years. I mean we moved, my life changed dramatically when I had gastric bypass, I met and fell in love and got married, and things got complicated. Complicated is not bad, just hard to handle sometimes. I love my husband and would not change the last 4 years for anything. He filled a place that had been empty all my life. My daughter grew up, fell in love and got married. I quit a job with an industry I had been in for 23 years, and I don't miss the job, I miss the people. My parents moved to Denton, I lost my grandmother, a home, and all my dogs. Do I have any regrets? No not really, just wish that I had done more in the last 15 or 23 years than I did. I think if I had thought it possible, I would have had a gastric bypass when they first came up with the surgery. I would have traveled more, been better with my money, and maybe made a few decisions differently. However, if that had changed the people I have met, then maybe I don't really want that after all. It is true, that people come in and out of your life for a reason. Some are there just for the moment, others are there for the long haul. But all of them leave you with some little tidbit of information, or a feeling or a memory, or a thought that makes you smile, or makes you cry. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Well that is another post and another day. May God Bless you all. L