Just a Little Catch Up

I took Friday, January 28th off as it was my daughter's 25th birthday and we spent most of the day together.  It was fun!  It has been a long time since I've had a girl's day and it was much enjoyed.  We ate lunch at Chili's (so yes I have to start my weight loss over) and we went to the movies and saw "The Rite" with Anthony Hopkins.  All and all it was a good day. 

Also on Friday morning I did a little research on schools that offer accounting degrees online.  Why? Well I took an aptitude test on Thursday and it said that I should be an accountant.  Which as I think about it, I took it for two years in high school and it was something I truly enjoyed.  I do like numbers.  So I found a few schools, but the top one listed was Bryant & Stratton.  So I requested admissions info and received a call within an hour. 

I received everything I need by email to apply, request transcripts, get financial aid, and I have to complete a short essay.  The fear of doing something and completing it, and changing my career or what was my career for 24 years is a little much.  The thought keeps going through my head, "Can I actually do this?"  If I do school full time, each semester is 15 weeks, divided in to two 7.5 week, and you only take two classes for each 7.5 week period.  I have to test in math and English to see where they will place me, but in 20 months I can have an accounting degree. 

Also this past week, I've decided to sell my car.  I walk to work, and we do have the truck so it's not like we won't have a vehicle.   It will just have to come home and be here for the weekends so I can run all errands.  This is really all very much a life changer in the works.  I also know that this is a change from being a teacher, but my sanity won out on that one.  I'm a good self-starter and it doesn't bother me to work alone, so being a bookkeeper or keeping books for a few small companies would not bother me. 

The cost is pretty steep as for as the degree, but if it is suppose to be, God will take care of it.  If it is not suppose to be, there will be obstacles that cannot be overcome.  So my journey starts by sending the paperwork back and I plan to do that on Monday after work. 

If we can make this all come together for the next few months, then life will definitely be better financially and we will be able to get some things done, including moving to be closer to my kids when the time comes.  I just need to stay focused and work at the church and do school.  I will be able to work at my own pace and I have one on one tutoring if i need it.  So friends, family and followers, please say a little prayer for us, me.  We always need prayers, but needing a little extra as we face this next challenge.

Have a God filled Weekend!
Love,
L

A Destructive Streak

If you read my blogs, I shared about my eating disorder and some of my trigger foods.  Because of the gastric bypass sugar is a no no, carbonation is suppose to be a no no, drinking through a straw is also one of those things I'm not suppose to do.  Also since the surgery, I have developed a few things that I am allergic to like chocolate, milk, ranch dressing in large quantities, queso, and I have problems with digesting lettuce. 

So there are times when I know what I am eating is going to make me sick.  So why do I do it?  I usually reason it out with this statement, "I haven't had it in a long time and I need it."  It is true to a point.  Sometimes I just want the taste again.  I love salads.  I like to eat cereal.  Yesterday I made brownies and I've eaten them twice. 

I know emotions effect this a lot, so I try to figure out what exactly it is that drives me to do this.  I'm not lonely.  I have a wonderful marriage.  We have financial difficulties, but then who doesn't these days.  I think a big problem I have right now is trying to figure out what, where and when.  Finding a job is stressing the situation as well.  I want to go back to school, but they are requiring pre-algebra and I'm sure it is necessary, but I would like to start working towards my degree as well.  Maybe teaching is not the degree I need to go after?  I just not sure.  So I think really that is the issue.  I want to use the things I love to make a living, but then I think about that in the long run and wonder how long will the world need an animal trainer or dog trainer, and does any one still read books, fiction.? 

I know that I need to start journaling again.  I haven't in almost two months at least not on a consistent basis and maybe that will help me.  I talk to God constantly and know that He is there providing for me and my needs.

Have a God Filled Day!
Love, L

At Some Point I lost control

I have been overweight most or all my life.  I constantly struggled from the time I was in first grade to the present with being at a weight where I was happy with my appearance.  There have been times when I weighed 125 as a teenager and thought I was at a good spot, but I have never been able to maintain a healthy, happy weight.  My highest weight was 322 pounds.  I weighed that at the time I had a gastric bypass.  The lowest weight I have been since the surgery was 157 pounds and I only reached that after having mono and throwing up for 48 hours. 

Once I recovered from mono I hit 167 and I was okay with that, because I was toned and I was wearing a size 12.  That is the smallest I have been since I was 16.  In 1998 or 1999, I was diagnosed with compulsive overeating disorder.  It is something I have constantly struggled with and at some point in the last 18 months I have totally lost control.  There are foods that I should never buy at the store because of the disorder.  Popcorn, chips, and sugar cookies, whether in a roll to be baked or fresh or whatever.  I cannot stop once I start and I eat until I throw up.  I know this is not healthy.  So what do I do?  I've put more pressure on myself to control it and my weight. 

I have set an impossible goal, and find myself thinking about things like starvation diets, consuming less than a 1000 calories a day.  Here's the thing though, even with those thoughts, I'm already defeated because I can't control the eating disorder.  No matter how hard I try, and I do have good days, I cannot stop myself. 

I've turned it over to God and constantly fail.  It is not God's fault that I cannot control it.  It is mine.  I've tried everything.  I'm not sure what to do at this point.  I do not want to gain any more weight.  I'm already considered obese by the BMI index that you see on the internet and in doctor's offices.  I start every day a new with the hopes of getting it back under control.  I can't afford to get help with it professionally, and I have no insurance.  I have pulled my books about emotional eating and overeating, and compulsive obsessive disorder out of storage.  I will start again, but I'm really lost this time. 

Eating disorders are very serious no matter what or which one you have.  Most people think that people with eating disorders are these little bitty skinny people, and that is not true.  I weighed this morning after working out for over two weeks, and cutting back on my eating and I have not lost any weight.  I actually starting the whole cutting back thing before the end of December. 

I don't know why I wrote all this or why I'm sharing, but cold reality hit me in the face today, and this was only one of the things I have to face and do it quickly.

Love, L

What I meant Was

When i made the post on Monday about if you were receiving my blog by email, what i really meant was that if i send it to you.  I didn't mean those of you who had subscribed.  So just wanted to make that clear. 
In the next few days I'm going to share what I have been reading on the Word of Faith Movement.  I'm announcing that because I know that there are a lot of people who follow the health, wealth prosperity movement.  Please do not read the posts if that is how you believe.  I'm not trying to make anyone mad.  I just want to share what I find out.  A lot of my family follows or believes so I will mark the title to the posts with WOFM in the title, that way no one will be hurt or upset.

Thanks for being a follower of my blog.

Have a blessed day!

If You Receive my blogs by email

This is just to let everyone know that if you were receiving my blog posts directly by email, you won't receive them any longer.  Most everyone that was receiving was on face book.  You can sign up to follow if you wish or you can unfollow if you wish.  I just thought this way was simpler.

Look for new posts on all blogs, except for Beagle Downs sometime today.....

Later,
L