At Some Point I lost control

I have been overweight most or all my life.  I constantly struggled from the time I was in first grade to the present with being at a weight where I was happy with my appearance.  There have been times when I weighed 125 as a teenager and thought I was at a good spot, but I have never been able to maintain a healthy, happy weight.  My highest weight was 322 pounds.  I weighed that at the time I had a gastric bypass.  The lowest weight I have been since the surgery was 157 pounds and I only reached that after having mono and throwing up for 48 hours. 

Once I recovered from mono I hit 167 and I was okay with that, because I was toned and I was wearing a size 12.  That is the smallest I have been since I was 16.  In 1998 or 1999, I was diagnosed with compulsive overeating disorder.  It is something I have constantly struggled with and at some point in the last 18 months I have totally lost control.  There are foods that I should never buy at the store because of the disorder.  Popcorn, chips, and sugar cookies, whether in a roll to be baked or fresh or whatever.  I cannot stop once I start and I eat until I throw up.  I know this is not healthy.  So what do I do?  I've put more pressure on myself to control it and my weight. 

I have set an impossible goal, and find myself thinking about things like starvation diets, consuming less than a 1000 calories a day.  Here's the thing though, even with those thoughts, I'm already defeated because I can't control the eating disorder.  No matter how hard I try, and I do have good days, I cannot stop myself. 

I've turned it over to God and constantly fail.  It is not God's fault that I cannot control it.  It is mine.  I've tried everything.  I'm not sure what to do at this point.  I do not want to gain any more weight.  I'm already considered obese by the BMI index that you see on the internet and in doctor's offices.  I start every day a new with the hopes of getting it back under control.  I can't afford to get help with it professionally, and I have no insurance.  I have pulled my books about emotional eating and overeating, and compulsive obsessive disorder out of storage.  I will start again, but I'm really lost this time. 

Eating disorders are very serious no matter what or which one you have.  Most people think that people with eating disorders are these little bitty skinny people, and that is not true.  I weighed this morning after working out for over two weeks, and cutting back on my eating and I have not lost any weight.  I actually starting the whole cutting back thing before the end of December. 

I don't know why I wrote all this or why I'm sharing, but cold reality hit me in the face today, and this was only one of the things I have to face and do it quickly.

Love, L