At Some Point I lost control

I have been overweight most or all my life.  I constantly struggled from the time I was in first grade to the present with being at a weight where I was happy with my appearance.  There have been times when I weighed 125 as a teenager and thought I was at a good spot, but I have never been able to maintain a healthy, happy weight.  My highest weight was 322 pounds.  I weighed that at the time I had a gastric bypass.  The lowest weight I have been since the surgery was 157 pounds and I only reached that after having mono and throwing up for 48 hours. 

Once I recovered from mono I hit 167 and I was okay with that, because I was toned and I was wearing a size 12.  That is the smallest I have been since I was 16.  In 1998 or 1999, I was diagnosed with compulsive overeating disorder.  It is something I have constantly struggled with and at some point in the last 18 months I have totally lost control.  There are foods that I should never buy at the store because of the disorder.  Popcorn, chips, and sugar cookies, whether in a roll to be baked or fresh or whatever.  I cannot stop once I start and I eat until I throw up.  I know this is not healthy.  So what do I do?  I've put more pressure on myself to control it and my weight. 

I have set an impossible goal, and find myself thinking about things like starvation diets, consuming less than a 1000 calories a day.  Here's the thing though, even with those thoughts, I'm already defeated because I can't control the eating disorder.  No matter how hard I try, and I do have good days, I cannot stop myself. 

I've turned it over to God and constantly fail.  It is not God's fault that I cannot control it.  It is mine.  I've tried everything.  I'm not sure what to do at this point.  I do not want to gain any more weight.  I'm already considered obese by the BMI index that you see on the internet and in doctor's offices.  I start every day a new with the hopes of getting it back under control.  I can't afford to get help with it professionally, and I have no insurance.  I have pulled my books about emotional eating and overeating, and compulsive obsessive disorder out of storage.  I will start again, but I'm really lost this time. 

Eating disorders are very serious no matter what or which one you have.  Most people think that people with eating disorders are these little bitty skinny people, and that is not true.  I weighed this morning after working out for over two weeks, and cutting back on my eating and I have not lost any weight.  I actually starting the whole cutting back thing before the end of December. 

I don't know why I wrote all this or why I'm sharing, but cold reality hit me in the face today, and this was only one of the things I have to face and do it quickly.

Love, L

Compulsive Eating - One of my addictions

I was diagnosed with compulsive eating disorder in 1999.  I was seeing a therapist and after some evaluations, she had my diagnosis.  It was hard for me to get it under control and I did or I would not have been cleared psychologically to have a gastric bypass.  However, it is back and in full swing, and based on my calculations has been for at least 18 months.  If you count from my lowest weight since the gastric bypass until today, then I have gained 25 pounds.  So what am I doing to get this back under control?  Well here's where we are:

1)  First I had to face the fact that it was back and I told my husband, mother, daughter, and other family members. 
2) Next I went to our storage building and retrieved my books that I've had since I was first diagnosed.  There are titled:  "Feeding the Hungry Heart" by Geneen Roth and "Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating" also by Geneen Roth.
3) Now I'm reading the first book again, and I found it interesting how some of the steps follow right along with recovery. 

"We would rather turn to food or drugs or drink that dulls the call, never reaching the loamy hungers inside.  The drive to eat compulsively is not about food.  It is about hungers.  The hungers of regret and sorrow, of unspoken anger, unrealized dreams; the hungers of your own potential that are waiting to be filled, like a baby bird's mouth." 

I'm determined once again to conquer this demon.  My husband is standing by my side and is helping me.  I've explained about trigger foods like sugar cookie dough, chips and hot sauce, french fries, tater tots, and the list will be expanded once I identify the list.  It will be posted in our kitchen, on the fridge, and he is going to help me. 

Everyone, every size and shape can have an eating disorder and you would not know it by looking at them.  Binge and purge is a very common one and although this is not something I'm proud of I can throw up at the drop of a hat.  Gross right?  Yes.  It has taken me until yesterday to really see how bad it was, and I think my husband noticed it for the first time.  I have put some new parameters in place to help me with some of my issues.  There are  only two right now, but are a major step to stop the purging.

1) Don't drink anything while I'm eating.  Stop five minutes before I eat, and don't drink again until at least 30 minutes after my meal.  This one is difficult.

2)  Put my utensil down between each bite and completely chew my bite of food before picking up my utensil and starting again. 

These too steps allow you to know when you are full with food, and not drinking allows for you not to stretch your stomach with both food and drink. 

It may sound so simple to someone who doesn't have an issue, but it's not as simple as you think.  Like today, I ate more at lunch than I should have, and it was all I could do, not to purge myself.  It will get better, and God will be with me every step of the way.  May you be truly Blessed with God's love.  L