Life In A Bottle

The economy is effecting everyone in all walks of life.  No one is immune. Even if you think you are not affected, you are because if you are buying groceries, gas, or paying bills, you are affected.  People are losing homes, cars, and their sanity because of the economy.  This week I have felt like I'm walking around in a bottle with no air and no opening to come out from under the weight of the economy. 

My husband is a general contractor and we are going on a month with no new jobs, no phone calls to amount to anything and estimates that no one can make a decision on.  I work part-time at our church as custodian.  I have been job searching for the last two to three weeks, applying for job after job after job.  My husband has been a general contractor for about 20 years and so being an "employee" is not a word that has been in my husband's vocabulary in a long time, but that is going to have to change. 

Life sometimes hands you circumstances and it seems that no matter how hard you try to work or fix the issue, there is no answer.  That is the way our life is at this moment.  I'm not sure what the future holds for us at this moment.  I'm not even sure if we will have a place to live or a car to drive in another week.  I do know this and that is God will see us through this and more.

We have not given up on looking for jobs.  I think I may even have one, but by the time I receive a paycheck this are going to be pass the serious and arriving at the edge of "where do we go".  I know that probably makes no sense, but stress levels in our house are as high as the Mississippi river in some areas along it's banks right now.  I've had several anxiety attacks in the last two weeks, bad enough that I thought I was having a heart attack.  Pain so severe that my only thought was I won't see my husband's face before I die and I don't know if I said I love you or not today. 

I need someone to take the cap off of this bottle and let in a breath of  fresh air.  We are doing the best we can, and we are praying daily for God's intervention.  I guess the reason I'm writing this, is to say to others who are facing the effects of the economy, don't give up.  Have faith and take it all to God.  I know He is the only way we are going to survive this.  God Bless!

Love L

When I No Longer Feel

There are times when the outside world gets to me and I can no longer handle it.  The stress builds and builds until the wall around my heart starts to grow, brick by brick, stone by stone.  The worry of being able to pay bills, of having a place to live and not be afraid of losing everything else I have left in this life, gets too much.  I stop feeling. 

I push everyone and anyone away.  I don’t want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me.  I just want to fade away out of the line of sight of everyone and everything.  I go back to when I didn’t let anyone inside.  These feelings like this are not new.  They have been around since my daughter was very little.  I’ve often wondered if I ever pushed her away.  I’ve talked to her about it and she said no momma, you have always let me in. 

The funny thing is this… I don’t know how I use to make it go away before I was married.  Now, my husband is my cure.  He seems to know when to pull me close, when to reach out and just touch my face softly with his fingertips. Sometimes it’s as simple as, “I love you darlin’” and the look in his eyes tells me it is the truth.  I have never felt the way I do when he holds me close, his fingers strumming along my body; His lips slowly caressing my neck or my ears.  I feel so loved and I feel so deeply that I cry during our lovemaking.  I don’t know if other women ever experience feelings that deep or not.    He no longer asks why I cry, when I do.  I love him totally and utterly without holding back.  I’ve never loved anyone like that of the opposite sex.  He is truly my soul mate.  I think if I had not found him when I did, when God sent him to me, I would be in a very lonely world, or maybe not even in this world any longer.  I’m not sure. 

I know this, that no matter what our families say, we were destined for each other from the beginning of time.  Not that I would want to change what we have lived through or received from our lives like our children, but sometimes, I wish that I had met him when I was 16, 18, or 20.  I wish we could have had more in our lives, and even children together.  Again, there is no regret only trust and a love that I think God for every day of my life since I met him, received the first email, or had the first conversation.  It’s kind of like the song, “You had me from Hello.”

My Writings

For the last few days I've been writing articles or thoughts or something anyway and I'm just putting them in a folder.  Some will hurt people, some will make people wonder, and some might make people go away.  I'm not sure.  I'm not sleeping so good these days, too many worries, and yes before you ask, I've handed them to God several times.  It's just that the world keeps putting them back on top instead of at the bottom of the cross.  Oh! Wait!  I guess that is me and not the world, but the world does cause me to pick them back up.  My faith is strong but not strong enough.  So I write and write.  Hoping that one of these days I will get it all out and down on paper and the world will look better from the ink drippings on my page. 

Some times each dot of ink is almost like a tear falling softly down.  Some times it is a raindrop, huge and with force blowing against the pane of my heart.  Some times the dot of ink is the thunder and lightening and I'm enjoying it as it splashes across the page.  My writings allow me to feel and I don't always feel which is one of the things I wrote about today, this morning.  It is easy for me to throw up a wall and block people out of my life, some times forcing those I love to stand back for awhile until I'm ready to feel again.  I'm not sure if that makes me heartless or not.  Some times, I don't feel like I have a heart or that I am truly capable of real feelings.  I some times don't know who I really am deep down.  Who am I as a person?  What am I as a person?  Maybe one day I will discover that and maybe then I can share it with everyone.


L

Today Marks the End of First Session

Today marks the end of the first 7.5 weeks of school.  It has been an awesome experience and I can't wait to start the next session.  I've already talked to Amy, my Academic Adviser about next semester and have already applied for financial aid to go with my pell grant.  My next session I only have one class or course.  It is called Comm 150, which is Research Strategies for a Digital age plus. 

I have also started working with Career Services, Jodi, is my contact and she is helping to redo my resume, gave me some job search sites and will help me the most that she can with job placement.  It is a little different because I am not on campus, but she is still there for assistance and I plan to take advantage of everything the school has to offer. 

On a more personal level, I am really tired the last few days and have not felt up to par, but I'm okay.  My husband is working as many small jobs as possible so that we can make ends meet. We are not behind on anything but one bill.  Groceries are not a concern because our freezer is well stocked.  We are sticking to our budget and it is working well.  I will however, be eternally grateful when I can get a job with my new schooling. 

I wish you all a glorious and God filled day.  I've already talked to Him a couple of times and will probably do so more as the day goes by.  Especially until the AC guy gets here.

Love, L

Where Will We Go

After talking with my academic advisor last week, I really started thinking about where I would find a job with my new degree.  Career Services has been in contact and I have told them we would be interested in a position with a Christian based company, church or school, for starters, anywhere in the state of Texas.  That leaves a very open and wide field. 

My goal, our goal is to still have a few acres with a house and my animals.  So even if I do wind up working in a city of more than 1500 people, I will still live far enough out to have those things.  I think I might like going back to west Texas.  I loved living in Abilene and working there.  That would put us at least 4.5 hours from his family and probably the same distance from my Mom. 

I told my daughter all of this and she is excited for us.  We are excited that this year will be more fruitful!

Have a God Filled and Blessed Day!
Love, L