When I No Longer Feel

There are times when the outside world gets to me and I can no longer handle it.  The stress builds and builds until the wall around my heart starts to grow, brick by brick, stone by stone.  The worry of being able to pay bills, of having a place to live and not be afraid of losing everything else I have left in this life, gets too much.  I stop feeling. 

I push everyone and anyone away.  I don’t want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me.  I just want to fade away out of the line of sight of everyone and everything.  I go back to when I didn’t let anyone inside.  These feelings like this are not new.  They have been around since my daughter was very little.  I’ve often wondered if I ever pushed her away.  I’ve talked to her about it and she said no momma, you have always let me in. 

The funny thing is this… I don’t know how I use to make it go away before I was married.  Now, my husband is my cure.  He seems to know when to pull me close, when to reach out and just touch my face softly with his fingertips. Sometimes it’s as simple as, “I love you darlin’” and the look in his eyes tells me it is the truth.  I have never felt the way I do when he holds me close, his fingers strumming along my body; His lips slowly caressing my neck or my ears.  I feel so loved and I feel so deeply that I cry during our lovemaking.  I don’t know if other women ever experience feelings that deep or not.    He no longer asks why I cry, when I do.  I love him totally and utterly without holding back.  I’ve never loved anyone like that of the opposite sex.  He is truly my soul mate.  I think if I had not found him when I did, when God sent him to me, I would be in a very lonely world, or maybe not even in this world any longer.  I’m not sure. 

I know this, that no matter what our families say, we were destined for each other from the beginning of time.  Not that I would want to change what we have lived through or received from our lives like our children, but sometimes, I wish that I had met him when I was 16, 18, or 20.  I wish we could have had more in our lives, and even children together.  Again, there is no regret only trust and a love that I think God for every day of my life since I met him, received the first email, or had the first conversation.  It’s kind of like the song, “You had me from Hello.”